The state and its biggest sector can't live with each other. But could anyone?
This piece is co-published with Zócalo Public Square Photo of Apple headquarters by , via Wikimedia Commons. CC BY-SA 4.0
THERAPIST (assesses unhappy couple): My goodness. You two are too big to fit inside my office.
CALIFORNIA: That’s just his ego.
SILICON VALLEY: Oh. Pardon me for leading a digital revolution. (Rolls eyes. Turns to THERAPIST.) Do you see what I’m living with?
THERAPIST: This is not X. Here, you will speak respectfully. Now, what seems to be the problem?
CALIFORNIA: Ingratitude. I supported Silicon Valley when he was living in garages, and when no one knew what he was talking about. I—a big, rich state—invested in him. My universities invested in his ideas. I gave him the run of the Bay Area. Then he has success, and more success, and is he grateful? Hell, no.
SILICON VALLEY: I’m ungrateful? She’s the one living in glass houses—when she bothers to build houses at all.
I made her richer than she ever dreamed she could be. And I kept her culturally relevant with the kids. When Hollywood collapsed, who was there with YouTube? Maybe she’s forgotten that my money lets her fund the progressive social policies that make her so proud.
Maybe she could show me a little gratitude! The problem is that she has changed.
THERAPIST: How so?
SILICON VALLEY: California used to be so much fun. She was wild and crazy. I could crank out code all night, and she’d still be up at dawn, to share margaritas and some high-quality blow. She didn’t believe in rules—in music, tech, art, anything.
Now, she’s a killjoy. She has regulations for everything. Her universities used to be places for free speech; now they are about conformity. She went big on that DEI nonsense.
CALIFORNIA: I grew up. And I looked around and saw there are 40 million people here—diverse in race, class, ethnicity, sexual orientation. Some are rich, but many are poor, and they need education, and healthcare, and workplace protections.
So yeah: I embraced diversity. You ever going to try it, Silicon Valley? Your workers are still like 70 percent men, right? And whiter than the crowds at Stagecoach.
SILICON VALLEY: This is all just a cover. She divides people into categories to control them, and infantilize them.
Does California even care anymore about pursuing individual dreams? She used to be libertarian. Now she has 10 different bureaucratic processes for everything. You gotta get a permit for a lemonade stand or a birthday party. She only legalized weed so she could regulate the cannabis industry.
And free expression. Whatever happened to that? She’s bullying our companies, shutting down social media, telling our kids they can’t have their cell phones at school. Their whole lives—their homework, their activities, their friends—are on their phones.
CALIFORNIA: Their phones are filled with your poison. You spread racist and hateful ideas about gay people, trans people, immigrants.
SILICON VALLEY: C’mon, I got nothing against immigrants. I’m full of immigrants.
CALIFORNIA: So was I. Except you don’t care about immigrants, unless they are South African-born billionaires.
Let’s talk about the third person in this marriage. You’re having an affair and rubbing my face in it. You are in bed with a guy who is trying to destroy me.
SILICON VALLEY. The Trump thing is just a dalliance. I don’t love him, but I need him to survive, to thrive! I’m doing this for us. You wanted to abandon all our investments in crypto. You tried to regulate AI. You are destroying our future.
CALIFORNIA: I tried to establish some boundaries so you couldn’t obliterate humanity. I’m trying to ensure you—we—have a future.
Is this some kind of mid-life crisis? You’re lying to yourself. You used to say you were going to save the world. Or at least do no harm. Now you’re just about money. Whatever happened to aspirational goals?
SILICON VALLEY: Goals? Do you even have goals anymore? We pay taxes and we get second-rate schools. You can’t even build a 20th century train.
CALIFORNIA: You’re complaining that I’m not what I used to be. Neither are you. What’s the last time you did something that made our life better? ChatGPT spreads nonsense and is built on the intellectual property of others. The sharing economy is a sham that shares as little as possible with workers. Crypto could destroy the financial system.
SILICON VALLEY: You’re the one bent on self-destruction. You educate our kids in these progressive schools and radicalize them to hate America and capitalism. We can’t employ them, because all they want to do is fight with their bosses.
CALIFORNIA. Don’t talk to me about the kids. You’re in cahoots with a health secretary who is going to bring back deadly childhood diseases. Plus, by helping Trump fire federal workers, you screwed up Yosemite! Yosemite!
SILICON VALLEY: Trump Derangement Syndrome!
CALIFORNIA: Why can’t you dump Trump? Why can’t you realize he doesn’t care about you? Why can’t you be that nerdy, idealistic guy I loved?
SILICON VALLEY: Why can’t you be that fun girl who was a little bit hippie and a little bit yuppie?
TOGETHER: Why can’t you just be cool again?
THERAPIST: OK, time’s up. We’re making progress. I want you to reflect on this conversation, and the things you share. Your self-righteousness, your self-aggrandizement, your sense of destiny.
And I want you to ask yourselves: If you split up for good, is there anyone in the whole world who could live with either one of you?
